Unspoken

To that person who never heard me & gave me the chance to talk, let this be the last time I’ll open up to you..

At first you were just a person who is distant. I heard a lot about you, good and bad but I didn’t take all those because I don’t want to believe in other people’s prejudice. I’ve known you for months and I still keep an open mind because I am a mere believer that each person has their own story and that I don’t have the right to judge anyone nor you right away.

Before we became so close, we already had a big argument and misunderstanding. You were a good leader, no question to that, I think everyone would even admire you with your influence and guidance. However, I witnessed how unfair you could be. How, you listen to your so-called “friends” and be blinded by their words. You didn’t even try to listen to me and hear the other side of the story. I admire you so much with how mature and reliable you are in making your own decisions but I was wrong. You were like others, you got blinded so easily. You mock me, hated me and even tried to trick me with your mind games. You attack people indirectly. By then, I am well aware of how you think, how manipulative you could be, how  powerful and dangerous you are. Since then, I never wanted to be close to you. I was so disappointed because I look up to you as a good man, so I hated you so much. You even insulted me with whom I thought were my friends. I respected you, but you proved to me that you could stab other people’s back. You were so used to your jokes and humor being your best weapons at times, but you never thought of how many people you’ve been hurting around. I knew this, because I was one of them, I acted like I don’t care but I know everything, even those jokes you throw with anyone else in our circle.

Foes around you sometimes used your best weapon against you, but you acted like you didn’t care and that you were not hurt at all. Worst of all, you acted like you didn’t know why. In fact you allow them to treat you that way because of your actions. I know that if you are reading this, you may disagree or boil in anger. But this is the reality.

After I knew all these, I never wanted to be near you nor trust you. Not even be one of your so-called “friends”. But we were put in a situation where we had to deal with each other. I can still remember those times when you tried to act like a gentleman around me, those times you offered to carry my bag. I don’t know if you were just showing off or you are sincere. Regardless of those arguments and pains you caused me, I decided to give you another change. To keep an open mind to get to know you because I still believe you are good.

I witnessed several times how someone can forgive a heavy pain in their hearts. I witnessed how my mother forgave my father. I witnessed how a wife became best friends with her husband’s girlfriend. I witnessed how a family forgave the person who killed their man in the house. So I wanted to do the same.

You may be saving, leading, and playing games with people or perhaps with women. I never wanted to be one of your prey. I swear to myself and to the universe I will never let you hurt me again. But I guess fate is really testing us something. We were put in a situation again, where our………………… We were like two strangers put to be closer together destined to have a strong bond and connection and leave room for adventure. 

I knew you were hurt and still hurting  in a way that no one else understands. You decided to keep it all locked away in the most wounded and unreachable part of your heart. Most times you think it’s easier to close-up your heart to anyone who attempts to get to know you. You lose someone who is so dear in your heart. The pain is so fresh, even though years have passed. It is an infected wound that refuses to heal. You are starting to believe that it will be hard and impossible to recover from the hole he left in you. You were like Batman and Robin. You are probably the popular iconic duo in your family and in your neighborhood. Someone whom you shared your life, your dreams, your disappointments, your mistakes, your journey, your happiness and even your pains. That person who possibly showed you how wonderful life could be, that person who helped direct your life to the right path. That person who knows your soft spot and who cares for you like how your mother takes care of you. He influences you, he keeps you safe, he keeps you grounded, he corrects you, he gives you confidence, he pushes you to explore things and achieve more.

I wanted to tell you that I feel you. I am here to tell you that everything you are feeling and experiencing, all that you think may never heal from, is so human. It doesn’t make you less worthy of the life you deserve. I know you feel like you haven’t been whole since the day he left you. Now, you are wondering what the hell you are supposed to do with the mess you’re  holding. I am here to tell you that you don’t need to have all the answers right now. There is still strength in you that no one can take away from you, not even the person you thought will never hurt you. It may take you some time to rediscover life, who you really are…  but it’s been inside you all along. Even after drinking too much beer, even at your weakest and most defeated moments, crying in your room, when you feel like life is unfair and draining you from your body, when you couldn’t make another decision.

Please believe in what you are capable of. Continue living, even when it feels so wrong to live without him by your side. Please believe that you are worthy of being healed and worthy of moving forward with fresh beginnings, more maturity, and self-worth. Please believe that you deserve to move forward and biome the strongest version of yourself. You deserve the life you always wanted to have. You may experience all these ~ brokenness, betrayal, pain, doubts and exhaustion of life.There is still so much more for you in this world – so hold on for one more second, for one one more moment, for another day. Keep fighting. Think about life and what you have accomplished so far.